Cletic Frost - Cold Lake(1988)

Shut the fuck up and hear me out: People love to shit on this album, and to some extent I understand. I mean look at these fucking guys:

I know that people wanted Cold Lake to be another Morbid Tales or at least Into the Pandemonium. And it definately is Frost's worst but a 4% on Metal-Archives? Not to me.  This makes me think that most of the detractors havent really listened to the album. Mabe they just heard "Cherry Orchards" or saw the band photos and wrote off the album as a sellout. Maybe they named their parent's basement Gravehill. Whatever their motives it is a classic case of people expecting a  band to keep making the same album over and over again. Even Tom G. Warrior has disavowed the album, but what? Did they put hairspray on him while he was asleep? Is that not him in an acid washed canadian tuxedo, fingerless gloves and calculator watch? Did he not sing "Seep from lace. Roses for an unborn face"?

But G-Zeus if this album isn't that bad. It sucks, but it's not terrible. Forget all the hairspray, lip gloss and canadian tuxedos: Its still a Celtic Frost album. Even though they try so hard to be Whitesnake or Motley Crue, they still can't not be Frost. Even with the fancy production, slick soloz and songs about Marylin Monroe, its still has Tomas Gabriel Warrior singing and playing guitar. He yells "hey" at random points in songs and the band as a whole just aren't good enough musicians to play hair metal convincingly. They come across more as Celtic Frost aping classic NWOBHM riffage with an effeminate troll singing. That's OK in my book.

Some songs are fucking awful: "Tease Me," "Petty Obsession" and "Little Velvet" stand out and the rap intro sets new standards of terribleness, but "Cherry Orchards" "Seduce Me Tonight" and "Downtown Hanoi" are great songs if anybody but Frost did them.

This is not a good album, especially compared to everything else Frost had done before or since, but if you're like me and don't mind some ozone layer depleting hair metal now and then, give it a spin. I just can't bring myself to hate this album: a solid 45% in my book.

We are drowning in purple wine/Standing as one, as one we line.