Cletic Frost - Cold Lake(1988)

Shut the fuck up and hear me out: People love to shit on this album, and to some extent I understand. I mean look at these fucking guys:

I know that people wanted Cold Lake to be another Morbid Tales or at least Into the Pandemonium. And it definately is Frost's worst but a 4% on Metal-Archives? Not to me.  This makes me think that most of the detractors havent really listened to the album. Mabe they just heard "Cherry Orchards" or saw the band photos and wrote off the album as a sellout. Maybe they named their parent's basement Gravehill. Whatever their motives it is a classic case of people expecting a  band to keep making the same album over and over again. Even Tom G. Warrior has disavowed the album, but what? Did they put hairspray on him while he was asleep? Is that not him in an acid washed canadian tuxedo, fingerless gloves and calculator watch? Did he not sing "Seep from lace. Roses for an unborn face"?

But G-Zeus if this album isn't that bad. It sucks, but it's not terrible. Forget all the hairspray, lip gloss and canadian tuxedos: Its still a Celtic Frost album. Even though they try so hard to be Whitesnake or Motley Crue, they still can't not be Frost. Even with the fancy production, slick soloz and songs about Marylin Monroe, its still has Tomas Gabriel Warrior singing and playing guitar. He yells "hey" at random points in songs and the band as a whole just aren't good enough musicians to play hair metal convincingly. They come across more as Celtic Frost aping classic NWOBHM riffage with an effeminate troll singing. That's OK in my book.

Some songs are fucking awful: "Tease Me," "Petty Obsession" and "Little Velvet" stand out and the rap intro sets new standards of terribleness, but "Cherry Orchards" "Seduce Me Tonight" and "Downtown Hanoi" are great songs if anybody but Frost did them.

This is not a good album, especially compared to everything else Frost had done before or since, but if you're like me and don't mind some ozone layer depleting hair metal now and then, give it a spin. I just can't bring myself to hate this album: a solid 45% in my book.

We are drowning in purple wine/Standing as one, as one we line.

Thergothon - Fhtagn-Nagh Yog-Sothoth(1991)

Finland's Thegothon is probably the first funeral doom band. Formed in 1990 they beat Skepticism and Funeral by a year, Esoteric by two and Mournful Congregation by three. Evoken, the US's biggest funeral doom band took their name from the third song on their Fhtagn-Nagh Yog-Sothoth demo. Thergothon is kind of a big deal.

Thergothon took the death crawl of Winter and slowed it down to a funeral march and cut out the mid paced parts. They added some slow melodic parts, clean vocals mixed in with the death vox and droning keyboards in between the dirges that make up most of the music. As slow as it is it takes great riffs and songwriting skill to keep the listeners attention and not get bored. This demo never gets stale or boring.

 Its rare to have a band that you can say their demo sounds beter than their album. Thergothon is the only one i can think of. Fhtagn-Nagh Yog-Sothoth has much more low end and clearer production than their only full length Stream from the Heavens, which is very overblown to point of flanging. Overall the music is about the same quality, but the production tips the scale towards Fhtagn-Nagh Yog-Sothoth.

"THE POWERS OF THE SEA SEA, THE EARTH, THE WINDS AND THE FIRE, CAN YOU HEAR MY CHANT?"

Tha Muthafuckin Ruckus

Alright, this is a mostly metal blog but I have to admit my iPod is broken. Only one of the sides of my headphones work in any headphone set or speaker system. So metal has sounded terrible on my iPod lately. Therefore my listening to gangster rap has expanded. Yes. Fuckin' gangsta ass shit. So far I have been listening to Wu-Tang Clan's 36 Chambers on repeat because it's one of the best. They're fucking raw with no trivia like cocaine straight out of Bolivia. With an oldschool Kung Fu martial arts movie theme along with the common motifs of hardcore rap makes for a very interesting combination. For example, track "Mystery of Da Chessboxin" has a music video and shows just how obsessed with Kung Fu shit Wu Tang Clan is.

36 Chambers is really 36 styles of danger according to the album. Damn, do I agree. I don't agree that they're the true rebel making more noise than heavy metal. But I respectfully appreciate that they're rap assassinators, rugged and built like Schwarzenegger, as they claim to be. So get tuned to the Shaolin style. Cuz ya gotta bring da muthafuckin ruckus.

Da Ruckus

Thin Lizzy - Johnny the Fox(1976)

 
Thin Lizzy is the bast thing to come out of Ireland EVER. Even whiskey, but that's a close second. But when it comes down to it I could live with just gin and beer, but not Thin Lizzy. Thin Lizzy is the best classic rock band ever. The term "criminally underapreciated" is an understatement when applied to them.

Unfortunately they're most known for the savagely mediocre "The Boys Are Back in Town." Why better songs like "Johnny the Fox," "Jailbreak" or "Don't Believe a Word" aren't all over classic rock radio is utterly beyond me. Mind boggling even.

Still Thin Lizzy gets more respect among the metal community, where a great dual guitar lead is always appreciated. They pretty much invented Iron Maiden in 1977, and Maiden have always said they are big fans and covered "Massacre" as a B-side to the Can I Play With Madness single. Kirk Windstein has a fucking Thin Lizzy tat. Anthrax covered a song, among many others.

As great as everything they've done is, one record is my favorite: 1976's Johnny the Fox. Maybe it's because it has the more rockers than other albums or because I had it in my car this summer when I would drive about 200 miles a week. Maybe it's because it's their best. In my opinion it sure is.

Everyone on the album is in top form: Brian Robertson and Scott Gorham's leads and soloz are the best they've ever done, especially on "Don't Believe a Word" and "Massacre." Of course Phil Lynott is the star of the band and the record. His compositions are captivating and his lyrics are incredible as well. Throughout the album he weaves working class tales of crime and love. "Fool's Gold" tells of Irish immigrants in the new world. "Massacre" deals with religious intolerance. Lynott and drummer Brian Downey hold down the band as the rhythm section. I usually don't like ballads, but the ones on Johnny the Fox are much more tolerable, especially "Borderline." Well produced, everything is clear and well proportioned in the mix.

Enjoy.

RIP Phil Lynott

It's alright to lose your heart/But never lose your head

Gorelord - Zombie Suicide Part: 666(2002)

Here's a healthy portion of some brutal fuckin slamz courtesy of Norway's Gorelord. Made up of Grimfist and ex-Necrophagia guitarist Frediablo.  Thoroughly entertaining and super-catchy, Zombie Suicide Part: 666 is sure hit with the whole family. Super simple slam, almost as if Obituary were a slam band. No reinventing the slam wheel here, just running over babies with it. Some Pantera-ish breakdowns (think the end of "Domination" [speaking of Pantera: Frediablo was in Necrophagia for 4 years with Anton Crowley]), some doomy parts and an acoustical piece complete the formula.

Thick production has enough bass to rock the house. The drums are played by a certain "DNA" who I'm pretty sure is a drum machine, cuz they sound fake as fuck, albeit well programmed. Maybe he's Doktor Avalanche's brother or something. If you like gutteral slamming/cock smashing brutality then you need this like you need oxygen.


The Blind Can't Kill The Goat/Your God Is Worthless Here

Getttin' Down to tha Grind

Doom. Stoner. Sludge. Drugs. They go hand in hand. But no other genre captures the imagination of my intoxicated nervous system than death metal's retarded but awesome cousin, Grindcore. Being fucked up and gridncore have almost been synonymous for me. I'm trying to control my intake of marijuana, but upped my intake of psychedelics as well as the boozing and I own this shirt:

Fuck, I might as well admit it. I have a very short attention span sometimes. Grindcore does the trick. At work tonight I listened to three full lengths by Magrudergrind, Wormrot, and Insect Warfare in a row without getting bored. I'm so gifted. I mean, my father smoked a joint in Amsterdam on a business trip and didn't like it and he gave birth to me. I'm on adderall, DXM and drunk, it's 2:30 AM, snowing outside and I need something to grind to and want to share it with you motherfuckers.
So tonight will be dedicated to a grind band you may not have heard of, unsigned Desalmado of São Paulo, Brazil. They've only released one EP named Hereditas and it's one of the best things to come out of Brazil since Sepultura's Arise. The EP has a drum sound more appropriate than I've heard in any Grindcore of the past ten years. The snare has a sound like that of St. Anger and a subdued kick drum sound to bring out the vocals, cymbals, guitar and other aspects of the band's sound. The crust-like grind sound will floor you. The band doesn't diverge from it's formula. However, there isn't  very much to diverge from in this 13:48 minute release in this kind of Grindcore. If you want to get retarded and bang your head to some grind, this is a much recommended release.

Drug carnival!

Týr - Eric the Red (2003)

I normally hate viking metal. I love viking-era Bathory but that's about it. I just think of it as shitty, gay ass, frilly shirt, plastic sword wielding, poser genre. And god damn do I fucking hate Amon Amarth. Unfortunately Týr came along I can't hate the entire genre, which for a hater like me is a bummer.

From the Faroe Islands, where you're either descended from viking or the slaves of vikings and they still hunt whales. They play a very progressive and slightly doomy take on Bathory's version of the genre, with some Pantera-escue stop start riffing here and there. No fucking accordions or violins, just drums, bass and gee-tars.
They do a couple of Faroese folk songs ("Regin Smiður" "Ólavur Riddararós") and a Irish folk song ("The Wild Rover").  In "Rainbow Warrior" they dis on Greenpeace, and I for one are glad someone called bullshit on them. Greenpeace should be worrying about industrial whaling by Japan and not on traditional hunts like the Faroese. 

Since they cover some folk songs the music is extremely catchy and since the lyrics are in Faroese and English and Faroese shares the same sounds as English it is easy to sing along to once you get the hang of it. And that's important to me.

While its not as good as Hammerheart or Blood Fire Death, Eric the Red is still one of my only favorites of the genre, and one of the few diamonds in the vast turd mine that is viking metal.

Grani bar gullið av heiði

Witchcult Today: Nigeria

African witchcraft in the United States is associated with Kenyans who crack jokes about the Special Olympics.

However, in the Niger River delta Pentecostal preachers actually cause real havoc when it comes to African witchcraft. Ever seen a priest openly admit to killing 110 children and make poor people bankrupt by killing or exorcising their children? You can here (4:47). Seen a priest make a child drink a mixture of 1/2 pure moonshine and 1/2 the priest's blood? How about a boy dunked head to toe in acid after an accusation of being a witch and dying weeks later? A grown man openly brandishing a machete for the purpose of killing a young girl thought of as a witch? You probably haven't. In fact you're probably busy bitching about some serious 1st world problems. Religious figures here at home are, at worst, money leeching pedophiles. In southern Nigeria the worst are literally baby killing, money leeching, ignorant child torturers.

When you know that this is the area (specifically the Akwa Ibom state) with the most churches per square mile in the world you that actually doesn't become such a surprising fact. One of the largest organizations of Pentecostal churches in Akwa Ibom, the 150-branch Liberty Gospel church, is notorious for branding its children as witches and wizards. The Liberty Gospel church's founder, Helen Ukpabio, also released the most doom metal film ever, and it's straight outta Africa. The film, End of the Wicked, tells the Pentecostal parents of Akwa Ibom how to be witchfinders, all in the crystal clarity of DVD. You name it: cannibalism, covens, teleportation into Satanic realms, black magic rituals and unintelligible chants, it's all there and occvlt as fuck. But don't let the coolest Christian film you've ever seen let you think people don't take it seriously. There are an estimated 15,000 children are accused of witchcraft annually and those kids are ostracized, abused, and even killed. I really thought I wouldn't find anything this week that would upset me more than this, but I did.
So in the spirit of a satanism, witchcraft, and the occult, I would like to share the Norweigan doom metal band Devil. If you think Ghost is overrated, you like traditional doom vocals and want the guitar groove of Witchfinder General then Devil's first and only full length Time To Repent is your cup of mushroom tea.

Repent before your lord and master